Everything matters, but nothing matters very much.

God was my co-pilot, but we crash landed in the Andes and I had to eat him.

"Life's a toke, not a drag."

"If we let Jesus into our lives, would we have to smoke a bowl with Him?" --Karen Rice, College Roommate

So many idiots, so few comets.

Jesus is coming, look busy.

What's the difference between a 2-year-old and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Genetics loads the gun; environment pulls the trigger.

"You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment." -- Dave Barry

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. -- Henry Louis Mencken

The Meek shall inherit the earth after we're through with it.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.

If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Before I was a Mom - I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.

A smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

"My wife and I are complete opposites: I'm a slob, and she's a bitch." --Jim Giraldo.

"I would never be a jogger. They're always the ones who discover the bodies." -- Dave Atell

"If the letters PH.D appear after a person's name, that person will remain outdoors even after it's started raining." -- Jeff Kay (http://www.thewvsr.com)

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

A clear conscience is nothing more than a poor memory.

Why don't we try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

The less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

"From the ashes of disaster, grow the roses of success." --Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding: I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Virginia State Motto: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly. -- on a park bench @ Spring Lake.

"A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves largess from the public treasury." -- Sir Alex Fraser Tytler (1742-1813), Scottish jurist and historian, professor of Universal History at Edinburgh University.

"Even Islamic terrorists don't hate America like liberals do.... If they had that much energy, they'd have indoor plumbing by now."

"...liberalism is a whimsical luxury of the very rich -- and the very poor, both of whom have little stake in society." -- Ann Coulter, Slander.

"We all profess to be in favor of more freedom. Freedom is the Platinum Visa card. We alllll want one. Responsibility is the credit rating. Not so much enthusiasm for the kind of discipline needed to earn one of those."

"Nationalism has not played out all too happily in Europe, and so we, who have had nothing but success in this regard, are expected to toe the line and voluntarily scrap our shiny new automobile because the neighbors went and ran theirs over a cliff."

"To those on the far left, all I can say is that without oil there would be no trucks to deliver the entitlement checks." -- Bill Whittle, http://www.ejectejecteject.com/

"Ninety percent of people don't want to hear about your problems, and the other ten percent are glad it's you."

"'Luck' is what happens when preparation meets opportunity." -- Larry Elder, "The 10 Things You can't Say in America"

"OLD" IS WHEN.....Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You have a party, and the neighbors don't even realize it.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....You fall down, then wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.

Why do most men prefer looks to brains?

Because most men see better than they think.

Toys multiply to fill any space available.

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject." -- Winston Churchill

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened?

"The trickle down theory: If I'm happy, then I'm less abusive to the rest of you." -- Homer Simpson.

Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

I child-proofed my home, but they are still getting in.

9/11: "We were stabbed in the back, and that's not a scar you see when you face yourself in the mirror. People forget. People must not forget." -- James Lileks http://www.lileks.com/

"Going to War without the French is kind of like going deer hunting without your accordion." - Ross Perot

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

"No to terrorism. No to war,' is about as intelligent as 'No to illness. No to medicine'." -- Jean-Francois Revel

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

"I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top."

"Never miss a good chance to shut up." -- Will Rogers

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

"Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines."

"Compromise - lowering my standards so you can meet them."

"Good friends come and go, but enemies accumulate."

"Half of marriages end in divorce. But, look on the bright side: the other half end in death."

"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking."

"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience."

"A trouble shared is twice as many people worried."

"Life is a circle where you are slowly winding back to a drooling, immobile, unintelligible being."

"No matter when, no matter where, there is always someone who can do anything better than you."

"I have an inferiority complex, but it isn't a very good one."

"Behind every good man is the bad man who will take credit for his work." http://www.demotivate.com/giveup.cfm

If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.

The second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the
others.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other." --Eric Hoffer

"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months." --Oscar Wilde

"Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon." --Susan Ertz

"The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people." --Lucille S. Harper

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -- Eddie, age 6 -- http://rinkworks.com/said/kidlove.shtml

Can you go fill up a syringe of care juice so I can shoot it in my veins, please? http://www.viceland.com/issues_au/v2n3/htdocs/the_vice.php

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: Because they're practicing to be men.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

OR

A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

"I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody."

"I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out."

"My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless."

"I went to a urologist. He told me I could go at any time." -- Jay London.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

You don't have ulcers, but you're a carrier.

When your IQ reaches 50, you should sell.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

If you were any more stupid, you'd have to be watered twice a week.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." -Maryon Pearson

Sorrow is hatred turned inside out. -- Saiyuki

What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.

What's the difference between a porcupine & a BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited-

Suburbia: where they tear out trees and then name streets after them.

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out. - Michel de Montaigne

Some people are like Slinkies...
Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.